The National Spelling Bee is on, and because I'm a bit of a stress case, it's making me cry. When they lose I get teary, and when they get it right, I get teary. Goodness.
One reason I'm stressy is that Liftoff Guy's dad woke up with a bad pain in his calf. LG's mom took him to the emergency room and an ultrasound showed he had a blood clot in his leg. So he's being hospitalized for a few days while he's given blood thinners to get this thing to break up and dissolve safely. I'm confident he'll be fine, but of course LG is very worried, just as I would be if it were my dad.
And I'm still thinking of and missing my girl. It's been a rough week, you know?
Friday, May 30, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
Sad news
Liftoff Cat died sometime early this morning. I found her on the couch between two cardboard boxes - we started putting the boxes on the couch during the night because she liked to pee on the couch. Eventually, when we turned them on their side, they became fun sleeping places for her.
The last few days however, she had been sleeping on the back of the couch. At about 3:30am I woke up and found her sleeping on the back of the couch and moved her over to her food. I gave her some cat food and she started eating, so I petted her and went back to bed. Apparently sometime afterward she had moved to get back up on the back of the couch and either slipped or slid off, fell between two of the boxes onto the cushion, and died.
I woke Liftoff Guy at 6am when I found her. I was in shock. He gathered her up in a towel and we put her in a cardboard box along with a jade ankh necklace of mine (when Liftoff Cat's "sister" cat died, I buried her with a jade scarab ring I really liked. My cats get buried with Egyptian symbols because the ancient Egyptians respected cats), a piece of the other cat's fur, her crinkly frog toy, her brush and a can of salmon Fancy Feast. We're going to go out and find her a proper "coffin" this morning - her "sister" was buried in an awesome hat box that looked like an old fashioned suitcase. I'm sure we'll find something suitable for this girl.
I've been crying off and on all morning, grieving but also relieved that she died on her own, at home, and that we didn't have to go through the excruciating process of deciding to have her euthanized. The vet was still hopeful and Liftoff Cat was eating really well yesterday, even though she was clearly tired and having trouble catching her breath.
What it comes down to is that her lymphoma was in remission for almost a year. It returned apparently in late April and she began to vomit fairly frequently. We gave her anti-nausea meds, but by May 11th or so she had begun to lose weight and an exam showed her cancer was back, really strongly. Her vet (who has been wonderful) decided that we could try her on a "rescue" form of chemo. She had been on Leukeran, which worked well until it didn't anymore, and now we were going to try Ceenu. The problem with Ceenu is that it causes anemia, but LC's red blood cells were close enough to normal despite the Leukeran that we thought she could handle it. It was 27 when we started the chemo, 17 a week later, and 14 1/2 a week after that. But her white blood cells were up and the vet thought this was a good indication that her marrow was kicking back in after being suppressed by the same mechanisms that suppress the cancer. On the good side, the cancer was responding really well. On the bad side, as of yesterday she was still having a hard time breathing and occasionally wheezing. We had made up our minds to get her an injection of erythropoetin this Thursday to encourage red blood cell production if her count was still low. Of course, now we'll never know.
We think it was either her heart giving out (anemia in cats can weaken the heart and she wasn't young), or she fell or something and couldn't catch her breath. This is going to be a source of pain for a while, but she died here, on her couch, after a lovely day spent outside with plenty of food and petting, and now she's wherever she is. I just wish she could have met Liftoff Boy.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Hyper
I originally created this blog with a friend's very domestic blog in mind. She is a stay-at-home-mom and writes about house things, and I started this blog during a cold Michigan winter, which tends to make one feel very house-focused.
Well, I'm sure it's going to get even more domestic with Liftoff Boy arriving because how could it not? And I'm doing my academic obsession thing, reading medical journals through the school library's databases and finding as much information as I can on macrosomia (big baby), cephalopelvic disproportion (big baby head), and failed induction. What still ticks me off are the hippie granola sites that argue that it's literally impossible that any baby could be too big to be born vaginally. One (I don't have the link, I ran away and lost it) even suggested that heads can never be too big because our gene pool is all set and the moms who had too-big-to-be-born babies all died and so did their babies and so the genes are all gone.
Um...did someone forget that proper nutrition increases growth? When I go to France and I see tiny short parents born during WWII with sons and daughters that tower over them, it occurs to me that getting enough food, vitamins, minerals, etc. makes people bigger. That height and weight both have increased since the early 20th century, at least in Europe and the U.S. I've taken prenatal vitamins since before Gigantor was conceived and I have a husband who makes sure I eat lots of fresh fruit, meats, fresh veggies, etc. So I'm growing an actual large baby who may be too big to be born in the traditional way. In addition to this, I was a c-section and almost 9 pounds despite my mom smoking during my entire gestation period (and drinking full-caf coffee all day). My dad was born through c-section. I'm sorry if c-sections took us to the third generation of giantosity without killing us off and removing our faulty genes from the precious gene pool. Guess what, crazy hippie midwife lady (not all midwives, just the one whose site I read)? I'm screwing up your theory with my big baby-producing, genetically maladaptive, well-nourished chromosomes. Suck it.
Oh, I meant to write in this post that LB's birth has moved up. Seems the doc can't do June 23rd and so we're going for Thursday, June 19th. This means LB is going to be a Gemini, not a cancer (we liked the Moon Child idea, but Gemini was the space program that preceeded Apollo, so that's cool), and he'll be born on Juneteenth, and in the spring instead of the summer. And instead of necessarily being "fair of face" because of being born on a Monday, he'll "have far to go" because of being born on a Thursday. So yes, he'll help populate the first permanent colony on Mars. And the reduced gravity on that planet may someday help his co-progenitrix birth a giant-headed Martian child.
Well, I'm sure it's going to get even more domestic with Liftoff Boy arriving because how could it not? And I'm doing my academic obsession thing, reading medical journals through the school library's databases and finding as much information as I can on macrosomia (big baby), cephalopelvic disproportion (big baby head), and failed induction. What still ticks me off are the hippie granola sites that argue that it's literally impossible that any baby could be too big to be born vaginally. One (I don't have the link, I ran away and lost it) even suggested that heads can never be too big because our gene pool is all set and the moms who had too-big-to-be-born babies all died and so did their babies and so the genes are all gone.
Um...did someone forget that proper nutrition increases growth? When I go to France and I see tiny short parents born during WWII with sons and daughters that tower over them, it occurs to me that getting enough food, vitamins, minerals, etc. makes people bigger. That height and weight both have increased since the early 20th century, at least in Europe and the U.S. I've taken prenatal vitamins since before Gigantor was conceived and I have a husband who makes sure I eat lots of fresh fruit, meats, fresh veggies, etc. So I'm growing an actual large baby who may be too big to be born in the traditional way. In addition to this, I was a c-section and almost 9 pounds despite my mom smoking during my entire gestation period (and drinking full-caf coffee all day). My dad was born through c-section. I'm sorry if c-sections took us to the third generation of giantosity without killing us off and removing our faulty genes from the precious gene pool. Guess what, crazy hippie midwife lady (not all midwives, just the one whose site I read)? I'm screwing up your theory with my big baby-producing, genetically maladaptive, well-nourished chromosomes. Suck it.
Oh, I meant to write in this post that LB's birth has moved up. Seems the doc can't do June 23rd and so we're going for Thursday, June 19th. This means LB is going to be a Gemini, not a cancer (we liked the Moon Child idea, but Gemini was the space program that preceeded Apollo, so that's cool), and he'll be born on Juneteenth, and in the spring instead of the summer. And instead of necessarily being "fair of face" because of being born on a Monday, he'll "have far to go" because of being born on a Thursday. So yes, he'll help populate the first permanent colony on Mars. And the reduced gravity on that planet may someday help his co-progenitrix birth a giant-headed Martian child.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
New Info
Liftoff Boy is a big baby. The ultrasound today gave him an estimated weight of 6 pounds, 7 ounces. He's only 34 weeks and one day (full term is 40-41 weeks)and from his head circumference, abdominal circumference and femur length it looks like he's already what a lot of babies weigh when they're born. So with weeks and weeks left to grow, he probably will be 11 pounds or so.
Now this isn't sure. But even if he's not, there were a couple of interesting twists. Number one: His head circumference is 333 mm right now. This doesn't provide a lot of information about what he weighs, but it does mean that his head size is 4 weeks ahead of what the average is. 333 mm would be an average circumference for a baby at 38 weeks. This means that at 40 weeks, his head ihttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifs likely to be very large indeed. At 5'4", this could be a real challenge. A macrosomic baby is already difficult (although not impossible) to deliver vaginally, but when this is combined with a much larger than average head, we're talking another fine route to a c-section.
Even though I don't know what "bonce" means, I found this article today about big heads and I kind of like it. It's British.
Number two twist: After being a perfect head-down baby for the last month or so, LB decided that today was a good day to try being breech. He may flip over again (in fact, he may have already) but when mom's considering a c-section and you have a giant head, a 91st percentile abdominal circumference AND you decide to be breech, it's almost mocking. Sigh.
So, we have scheduled (tentatively, things could change, the boy could....stop growing? Sure, it could happen.) a c-section for June 23rd. This is only 1 week early and will allow LB to stew in his own juices for another week. If I were going to be induced, we'd have to go a week earlier even, and I thought I'd rather have him bake another week than do the induction. I may have mentioned this before, but a study I found indicated that in macrosomic babies, inductions led to c-sections 57% of the time. So, big baby + induction = 43% chance of vaginal birth. Add in the fact that Mom is 38 and heavy and then consider that baby boy has a gigantic head, and I'm looking at a much smaller percentage.
Some women would absolutely be willing to try for the vaginal birth even if they only had, say, a 23-33% chance for it to work. But honestly? I don't want to. Complication rates with c-section are higher if the woman has labored ahead of time (this includes infections)and I don't see the point. I want my baby out in the world and healthy, and I don't feel I have to do this in a particular way to be happy about it. I don't see this as an amazing physical challenge, I don't see this as an affirmation of my womanliness. I will have abdominal surgery and it will hurt like a mf'er (I've done it before, I remember) as I recover and I won't be able to bond with the baby immediately - but you know what? Liftoff Guy will. And LG and LB will be able to cuddle and bond and then I'll come back into the picture a couple of hours later and that bond will be there. As I recover, LG will have to take a larger role giving LB bottles of breastmilk and changing him and my role will be important, but not primary. I want to be 50% of the parenting for this little guy and I think these circumstances will help that to occur.
I talked to a friend of mine today that did baby #1 as induction followed by a c-section (40 hours later - she doesn't recommend that route) and baby #2 as a secheduled c-section, and the father-son bonding in both cases was a joy to behold. I can't wait to bond with LB myself (especially after seeing his adorableness in the ultrasound today, drinking amniotic fluid and hiding his eyes behind his arms - he looked so much like a real baby this time and much less like an alien) and knowing his proportions makes him seem much more physically real. I'm his mom - we will bond. But this way, Dad is going to bond too, just as strongly. And while some natural birth moms think that this is bad (baby should bond initially with just one person - mom!), I think it's very, very good.
Now this isn't sure. But even if he's not, there were a couple of interesting twists. Number one: His head circumference is 333 mm right now. This doesn't provide a lot of information about what he weighs, but it does mean that his head size is 4 weeks ahead of what the average is. 333 mm would be an average circumference for a baby at 38 weeks. This means that at 40 weeks, his head ihttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifs likely to be very large indeed. At 5'4", this could be a real challenge. A macrosomic baby is already difficult (although not impossible) to deliver vaginally, but when this is combined with a much larger than average head, we're talking another fine route to a c-section.
Even though I don't know what "bonce" means, I found this article today about big heads and I kind of like it. It's British.
Number two twist: After being a perfect head-down baby for the last month or so, LB decided that today was a good day to try being breech. He may flip over again (in fact, he may have already) but when mom's considering a c-section and you have a giant head, a 91st percentile abdominal circumference AND you decide to be breech, it's almost mocking. Sigh.
So, we have scheduled (tentatively, things could change, the boy could....stop growing? Sure, it could happen.) a c-section for June 23rd. This is only 1 week early and will allow LB to stew in his own juices for another week. If I were going to be induced, we'd have to go a week earlier even, and I thought I'd rather have him bake another week than do the induction. I may have mentioned this before, but a study I found indicated that in macrosomic babies, inductions led to c-sections 57% of the time. So, big baby + induction = 43% chance of vaginal birth. Add in the fact that Mom is 38 and heavy and then consider that baby boy has a gigantic head, and I'm looking at a much smaller percentage.
Some women would absolutely be willing to try for the vaginal birth even if they only had, say, a 23-33% chance for it to work. But honestly? I don't want to. Complication rates with c-section are higher if the woman has labored ahead of time (this includes infections)and I don't see the point. I want my baby out in the world and healthy, and I don't feel I have to do this in a particular way to be happy about it. I don't see this as an amazing physical challenge, I don't see this as an affirmation of my womanliness. I will have abdominal surgery and it will hurt like a mf'er (I've done it before, I remember) as I recover and I won't be able to bond with the baby immediately - but you know what? Liftoff Guy will. And LG and LB will be able to cuddle and bond and then I'll come back into the picture a couple of hours later and that bond will be there. As I recover, LG will have to take a larger role giving LB bottles of breastmilk and changing him and my role will be important, but not primary. I want to be 50% of the parenting for this little guy and I think these circumstances will help that to occur.
I talked to a friend of mine today that did baby #1 as induction followed by a c-section (40 hours later - she doesn't recommend that route) and baby #2 as a secheduled c-section, and the father-son bonding in both cases was a joy to behold. I can't wait to bond with LB myself (especially after seeing his adorableness in the ultrasound today, drinking amniotic fluid and hiding his eyes behind his arms - he looked so much like a real baby this time and much less like an alien) and knowing his proportions makes him seem much more physically real. I'm his mom - we will bond. But this way, Dad is going to bond too, just as strongly. And while some natural birth moms think that this is bad (baby should bond initially with just one person - mom!), I think it's very, very good.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Catching up....
Summer (spring?) vacation is here and I'm very happy to be just teaching a 6-week spring session. Monday for 3 hours, Wednesday for 3 hours, and the week is through. This is pretty good when you're in your 8th month of pregnancy. A good friend I've known since I was 13 or so is coming to visit tomorrow and staying for 5 days and that should be fun too.
Anyway, the two newsy things are that Liftoff Cat has officially dropped out of remission and her lymphoma has gotten bad again. We started a new type of chemo last Thursday to try to get a second remission going, and we're in the watch-and-wait phase. She has good moments and bad moments and this means I have happy days and totally-depressed-and-sleep-deprived days because I really, really want her to stick around. I love her so and I've had her for 14 years. So fingers crossed.
The other thing is that at my OB-Gyn appointment last week I learned that the doc thinks that Liftoff Boy was already at 5 1/2 pounds. This is with 7-8 weeks to go! She thinks if he keeps growing the way he has been ("good nutrition" is what she blames it on, hmmm...) that I'll end up with an 11 pounder at 40 weeks. She tested the waters on inducing me a week or two early and in a way that sounds good because Mom would be able to schedule her visit to coincide with the induction (thought: find out if there are hotels near the hospital). On the other hand, my doc also seemed to be warning me about c-section as a possibility and I've been reading about how women who are older than 35, overweight, and induced (each of these individually) are all more likely to need a c-section. If I'm going to need a c-section anyway, I would much rather just do it than go into a pitocin-induced labor and spend hours waiting for my cervix to ripen. Apparently induced contractions are more painful anyway.
So, this puts me into the "elective cesarean" category and apparently makes me a bad person. But even if I just have a 50% shot at needing a c-section, I'd much rather do that when everything's mellow than to get into a situation where there's fetal distress, meconium, and a growing urgent need to get the baby out. I'm reading a lot about vaginal vs. cesarean recovery, pros and cons, etc. and one thing that always comes up is how hard it is to recover from abdominal surgery. Well, I had an emergency appendectomy and I can remember the 8 days in the hospital recovering from surgery very well. I remember the pain of even taking deep breaths (and laughing was agony for a couple of days), but I also remember that it was doable. This is what I think I'm going to do (unless the ultrasound says Liftoff Boy is, I don't know, only 4 1/2 pounds next week or 5) - just schedule the cesarean and skip all the preliminaries. But I can hear the voices of women who take labor and birth very spiritually all telling me that I'll be missing out, that I'm being selfish, that I should at least TRY to deliver vaginally. But since I'd already be a loser for getting an epidural, I don't think I'll ever please them. Sigh.
I actually dreamed last night that I had LB delivered by c-section then was made to feel bad so they had to put him back in so I could deliver vaginally! Yeesh.
Anyway, the two newsy things are that Liftoff Cat has officially dropped out of remission and her lymphoma has gotten bad again. We started a new type of chemo last Thursday to try to get a second remission going, and we're in the watch-and-wait phase. She has good moments and bad moments and this means I have happy days and totally-depressed-and-sleep-deprived days because I really, really want her to stick around. I love her so and I've had her for 14 years. So fingers crossed.
The other thing is that at my OB-Gyn appointment last week I learned that the doc thinks that Liftoff Boy was already at 5 1/2 pounds. This is with 7-8 weeks to go! She thinks if he keeps growing the way he has been ("good nutrition" is what she blames it on, hmmm...) that I'll end up with an 11 pounder at 40 weeks. She tested the waters on inducing me a week or two early and in a way that sounds good because Mom would be able to schedule her visit to coincide with the induction (thought: find out if there are hotels near the hospital). On the other hand, my doc also seemed to be warning me about c-section as a possibility and I've been reading about how women who are older than 35, overweight, and induced (each of these individually) are all more likely to need a c-section. If I'm going to need a c-section anyway, I would much rather just do it than go into a pitocin-induced labor and spend hours waiting for my cervix to ripen. Apparently induced contractions are more painful anyway.
So, this puts me into the "elective cesarean" category and apparently makes me a bad person. But even if I just have a 50% shot at needing a c-section, I'd much rather do that when everything's mellow than to get into a situation where there's fetal distress, meconium, and a growing urgent need to get the baby out. I'm reading a lot about vaginal vs. cesarean recovery, pros and cons, etc. and one thing that always comes up is how hard it is to recover from abdominal surgery. Well, I had an emergency appendectomy and I can remember the 8 days in the hospital recovering from surgery very well. I remember the pain of even taking deep breaths (and laughing was agony for a couple of days), but I also remember that it was doable. This is what I think I'm going to do (unless the ultrasound says Liftoff Boy is, I don't know, only 4 1/2 pounds next week or 5) - just schedule the cesarean and skip all the preliminaries. But I can hear the voices of women who take labor and birth very spiritually all telling me that I'll be missing out, that I'm being selfish, that I should at least TRY to deliver vaginally. But since I'd already be a loser for getting an epidural, I don't think I'll ever please them. Sigh.
I actually dreamed last night that I had LB delivered by c-section then was made to feel bad so they had to put him back in so I could deliver vaginally! Yeesh.
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