Abandoned

More angst, sorry. It's just that I'll be 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow and I used to get a lot of enjoyment out of watching the calendar turn over, as it were. My huge library of pregnancy books all seemed to have something to say as I entered each new week. It was kind of like a weird, detailed pregnancy-oriented advent calendar. But now, with the c-section scheduled, I feel like they have nothing more to say to me. Each one has a chapter or part of a chapter where c-sections are talked about (in a tone that says "This probably won't happen, you poor dear, but if it does, you'll be okay!") but everything else assumes you're going the conventional route and I feel like they're done talking to me.

Now, in the real world, things continue to make me defensive. Liftoff Boy is still breech and at this point, it's just reinforcement for the c-section. It's not as though, at this point, that if he flips over we'll go the vaginal route (literally, that's a route isn't it?). Instead, he's just kind of making it increasingly clear that this is the way this pregnancy is going to go. And I'm really fine with it. Good with it even. I've begun to focus on the many benefits of doing a c-section a bit early and under non-stressful circumstances and I'm feeling quite happy about it. My doctor even says that they can set up a mirror so I can watch the birth (in a way where Liftoff Guy won't be able to see it) and they'll play a cd for me if I want (I'm going to bring in a Rat Pack one because how can I be nervous at all when Frank, Sammy and Dean are blowing Cool throughout the room? And I love the idea of doing something more fun than classical or new age.), and I won't need to be strapped down at the wrists, assuming I can keep myself from rising up. So I'm actually pretty psyched for this.

Meanwhile, though, I'm apparently not supposed to be psyched for this birth. I'm supposed to be regretful, hoping and praying that the baby will turn and that he'll be smaller than expected and that, to paraphrase my mom, that I can have a vaginal birth that is just as easy as a difficult bowel movement. One of my Fac.ebo.ok friends actually wrote, "I heard that if you put something painful, like an ice cube by where his head is, and then have someone talk down by where the head should be, the baby might opt for the head down position..." Um, okay, except that I'd prefer not to intentionally do something painful to the baby, and even if I did, he'd still be huge and they would still induce me early and I would still only have about a 30% chance of delivering successfully that way and then I'd get to have a long labor AND a more risky, emergency c-section! That sounds much better!!!

But the thing is, I'm supposed to run away from whatever's unnatural and desperately embrace the narrow shot I have at a vaginal birth, clinging to it knowing that it's my only chance to give birth the way that God/nature/Darwin intended. This is supposed to be painful and difficult, too, and by skipping labor for a Very Rat Pack Cesarean I'm transgressing all over the place. Oh well.

Oh, the shower was relatively mellow and nice, even though it was mostly populated by elderly ladies I'd never met before. A lot of LG's friends came, especially married couples who've known him since he was a kid who were in the Star Trek club with him, and at least one guy came on his own. I liked that our baby shower was co-ed, just like our wedding shower. It was very relaxed and having people our age there, both men and women, made it better.